How A Resurrection Really Feels
by dolcegrazia
Summary: There are many reasons why Sarah's afraid of having children. Some of her past, for example. Follows vs. the Suitcase.


**Author's Note** - This is a really random story. The idea popped into my head several months ago, but then I started writing it only after Suitcase when Sarah got all buggy about kids. Please read and review. :)

* * *

The CIA has a protocol for when things like this happen.

A quick trip to a doctor with a high enough security clearance and if necessary, a reassignment. But the agency counts on its people to be so jaded that they'd be able to move on to the next mission without batting an eyelash, without caring what their job has made them do.

The first time it happens to Sarah, she's new to the CIA; 20 years old and fresh out of the farm. It's only her fifth mission (she'd been counting) and her second that involved seduction. And even though she logically knows that what she has to do is basically submitting herself to government-sanctioned rape, Sarah does it anyway. She's learning that this is her job now, this is her life, and sometimes she has to make sacrifices.

It's seven weeks after sleeping with the mark in Prague (there are many reasons why she hates that city) and she's almost killed during a hand-to-hand combat fight because she's dizzy and nauseous. During a debriefing with Graham, she slips that her period is late and it's only twenty minutes before she's in a doctor's office, being examined and told by her superior that this is her only option, the best thing for her and the child. He fails to mention that it's also in the CIA's best interest.

The second time it happens is not with a mark, but with Bryce. It's three years later and they've been partnered for over a year, sleeping together for more than six months. Sarah has turned into that jaded CIA agent that the agency has always wanted and so, five weeks into her pregnancy and without even telling her partner (boyfriend? They never talked about the terminology), she walks into a clinic in New Jersey and it's all over in twenty minutes. She's able to continue on with the mission and Bryce never finds out that he lost his only chance at having a child.

Of course, she doesn't know that then.

Sarah doesn't regret her decisions. In the almost ten years since, she's become a devoted field agent, one of the best that the CIA has. The memories have been reduced to a passing thought on each due date, a quick glimpse of what could have been. But she doesn't think about it for very long because she can't; she has to keep moving and she has to forget.

After the second abortion, she swore she would never let it happen again. She wouldn't accidentally get pregnant and she would be more careful. It helped that at this point in her career, the notion of settling down and becoming a "normal" adult female was such a foreign concept to her that she pushed it into the deep recesses of her brain and concentrated on her work.

It's been almost ten years since she was a terrified but stoic 20 year old in a clinic in Czechoslovakia and she has changed and she's changed from the unfeeling, rigid CIA agent she was when she first met Chuck. She's not the emotionless CIA Barbie that she had created of herself in the decade since Prague (Part 1) and she has Chuck to thank for that.

But then one night, lying in their shared bed after an intimate moment, Chuck says the dreaded word- "baby". That and "marriage". Two words that keep Sarah up the entire night. She may have grown from the cold agent she had been in the years prior, but hearing Chuck's words, knowing that he wants children and a normal life, suddenly makes Sarah's fears come rushing back like a brutal wind on a winter day.

Is she ready for parenthood? Is she ready to even open herself up to the idea of having children in the future? Sarah's learned in the years she's loved Chuck that her spy career won't last forever, that she had thought about maybe, possibly, at some point in time getting married and having children but hearing Chuck say it, hearing him sigh and wistfully comment that maybe they're next, that made it real. A little bit too real.

The scariest question for her is, can she tell Chuck about all of the things that she's done? Can she have children with him without telling him that she could've had two more?

It eats her up inside for days. They attend debriefings, they go on a mission, they eat dinner every night and they cuddle in bed but Sarah's a wreck inside. She said no lying, right? She cannot be a hypocrite any more.

But Sarah is not a talker. No matter how much progress she's made over the last three years, opening herself up to even the one person that she loves the most is still terrifying and nerve-wracking.

The moment finally comes, three days after Chuck's first comment about their burgeoning future, and they're sitting on the couch in silence after a movie ends. Chuck's head is on Sarah's lap and she's fidgeting with his hands. This is not an uncommon position for them. But what is uncommon is the rate of Sarah's breathing; it hitches and stops abruptly and she's sighing altogether too much. Chuck notices and sits up to face her.

"Is everything okay, Sarah?" Chuck asks, looking questioningly at his clearly tense girlfriend.

"Technically, yes. But I want to, need to talk to you about something. Can we…talk?" Sarah says quietly.

"Of course we can talk!" He says. Always so welcoming, always so unsuspecting.

And so, Sarah begins. "You know how the other night, you talked about how we could be next…to get married and have children. It kind of freaked me out."

"Oh." Chuck doesn't quite know how to react or where Sarah's going with this, but he continues to listen.

"And it's not because I don't love you! Because I do, so very much. It's more about the idea of children."

"Are you worried about being a bad mother? 'Cause you'd be amazing."

Sarah can't help but smile almost painfully at Chuck's sincere comment. But it falls quickly when she continues. "It's not really about that, Chuck. You know how deep I was into the CIA and my work, right? Before I met you, it was all I cared about."

"Yeah, I know. You were pretty scary."

"Thanks", Sarah says.

"I didn't mean it that way. Sarah, you know what I mean…"

Before he can continue rambling, Sarah grabs his hand and puts it into her lap.

"I _was_ scary. I was stuck in this world where all that mattered was protecting this country and I would do _anything_ to help achieve that."

"Anything?" Chuck asks, rubbing his thumb over the palm of his girlfriend's hand.

"Chuck, when I was 20 years old, I went on a mission in Prague and had to sleep with the mark. I don't really know how it happened but I got pregnant."

It feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room. Chuck is quiet for a moment, his jaw slightly unhinged. Finally he says, "You…wha…what? Do you have a 10 year old child running around somewhere?"

"No, I don't", Sarah says, not giving her boyfriend any time to digest her admission before she continues. "I barely had time to think before Graham told me that I pretty much had to terminate the pregnancy. I was in a foreign country, I had been on fewer missions than I could count on one hand, and I _really_ wanted to be a spy. I did what I thought was best at the time."

"I'm sorry, Sarah…"

"Having that abortion is part of what made me become that spy that you met three years ago. But Chuck, I'm not done…"

Chuck's confused state continues and he gulps, asking, "Not done?"

"I had nothing else in my life except for the agency and I would do anything to protect that. Would've, anyway. I got pregnant again a few years before I met you."

"A mark again?" Chuck asks, his eyes showing his shock.

"No…"

And then Sarah can see the math start clicking into place in Chuck's head and she knows this is going to hurt him.

"Don't say it", Chuck says, knowing what her answer is going to be, who the father was.

"It was Bryce's…and I'm sorry, Chuck. I know this will hurt you."

"No, it doesn't hurt…and you shouldn't be worried about me."

"I guess not. But I've been so terrified to tell you about this part of me, all the things I've done."

"Sarah, I hope you know that you can talk to me about anything. I love you, every part of you. Do you regret any of it?"

"The abortions? No. Even if I wasn't an agent for the CIA, I still probably would've done it. I was 20 the first time, too young to be someone's mother. And the second time…yeah, the CIA heavily influenced my decision but still, I was too young and too unprepared. It's strange, because I feel like part of me should regret it. I hardly think about it anymore. It randomly pops up in my brain sometimes, thinking about how I could have a 10 year old and 7 year old right now. I mean, how crazy is that?"

"Pretty freaking crazy", Chuck responds, in true Chuck-fashion and it causes Sarah to crack a smile.

"So, basically…my telling you all this is my way of saying that I'm not ready to have children right now and I hope that's okay with you."

"Sarah, of course it's okay. When I said that the other night, I just meant…someday. Someday I'd love to have kids with you. It doesn't have to be next month…"

"Oh, it's definitely not going to be", Sarah says bluntly, interrupting Chuck's nice speech.

"And it doesn't have to be next year or the year after. Just…someday. Can you work with that?"

Sarah scrunches her mouth to the side, as she so often does, and looks at Chuck. "Yes, I can work with someday."


End file.
